Episode 32: Lady Marma-slot


Episode 32 of Emergency Pants brings the euphemism contest to a close. We can’t tell you how much fun this was for us, mostly because we are still laughing. Thanks to all of our awesome listeners who participated!

  • A winner is chosen! Who will it be? It’s a mystery! Unless you look at the title of this episode, that is.
  • Amy from Grits to Glitz and listeners Lia and Lukas throw their euphemisms in the ring. Thanks, guys!
  • Alissa LISTENED! Hi, Alissa!
  • Bridget is accused of conducting outbound phone sex
  • Jim is filled with awesome and win
  • Twitter incidents
  • Bridget realizes that she is a clown, and that she is perfectly okay with that.

Bridget is now doing regular posts at MrXStitch’s blog! (That’s Jamie, people!) Drop by and show your support – or not. We don’t want to pressure you, baby. Why don’t we just sit here with the lights off and watch 9 and 1/2 Weeks instead?

Wow, your hair smells great. *sniff*

Download: Episode 32

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Permanent link to this article: http://emergency-pants.net/2009/02/17/episode-32-lady-marma-slot/


  1. Kelley says:

    *** GASP ***

    NO WAY !!!!!

    Are you serious ? I do not believe it – I never win ! Thank you thank you :-)

    I’m making lots of loud happy girl noises right now <3

  2. Shane says:

    *fans self*

  3. Bridget says:

    For once, I am totally serious. :-|

    So now the decision is yours, Kelley – if you would like me to stitch this onto fabric, slap it in a frame and send it to you, email us. If not, I will understand, since I have seen the classiness that is your house on your blog. :D

  4. Jamie says:

    Kelley, she could come round to your house and tattoo straight on to you if you ask nicely.
    Bridget is capable of such things…

  5. Bridget says:

    Thanks Jamie. :) Unless there are evenly spaced spots on Kelley’s skin, I do not trust myself to tattoo her. Perhaps I can draw up the design and my boyfriend Darren Brass can ink her:


    (Don’t tell Jim.)

  6. Jamie says:

    What a strange coincidence… I’ve been seen around the town with Kat Von D..!

    (Don’t tell Alissa)

  7. Shane says:

    Jamie, you have good taste. I, too, would bang Kat like a screen-door in a hurricane.

  8. Bridget says:

    She’s cute and all, but I bet kissing her would taste like licking a dirty ashtray that recently held three-day-old crab rangoon in a puddle of soy sauce.

  9. Nessa says:


  10. Bridget says:

    You cut me, Nessa. You cut me deep. *sob*

  11. Tara says:

    So, I have been meaning to download the podcasts for awhile and I finally just went ahead and did it after more badgering from Jamie. I’ve been listening to older episodes while working (re-texturing plaster last week) and what I’m most stuck by is that Shane kinda still believed in Santa at age 14. I even backed it up so I could be sure that he said something like “around age 14.” Is that a Midwest thing or is Shane just a late bloomer or what?

  12. Tara says:

    I’m sorry, I meant “most struck by” not “most stuck by”, although that is not necessarily inaccurate.

  13. Bridget says:

    Hey Tara! Nice to see you over on the EP side of the street. Don’t let Jamie badger you, though – we don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do, baby.

    It’s funny that you mention that, because I have been wondering about it, too. Sometimes it’s hard to hear everything on Skype and I missed Shane mentioning his age while we were recording. Then when I heard it later I was surprised to hear 14. My Santa incident happened when I was about 6, maybe, so it’s not a Midwest thing.

    Hey, Shane? What’s up with that?

  14. Jamie says:

    Hang on. Is Santa not real or something?
    Don’t be silly.

  15. Nessa says:

    I’m over being a bitter loser, congrats Kelley!

  16. Tara says:

    Sounds like maybe the boyfolk are a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to right jolly old elves. Although it was a certain boy named Jesse Davis who blew the lid off the whole thing for a large chunk of Mrs. (holy hell, I can’t believe I forgot her name)’s second grade class the last day of school before holiday break.

  17. Bridget says:

    It’s because they don’t get as much blood flow to the brain as it is so often re-directed elsewhere. And thank goodness, or they wouldn’t be good for very much, would they?

  18. Jamie says:

    Look, we’ve just got strengths in other areas, that’s all.

    Like opening jars for instance.

  19. Kelley says:

    Thanks Nessa . After I get bored cyber stalking Bridget and Shane , I’ll be moving on to you. Me thinks you are totally awesome.

  20. Bridget says:

    I’m so glad you two are getting along, Kelley and Nessa! Kelley’s an awesome cyber stalker, Nessa, you’re geting a quality addtion to your already overflowing ranks of stalkers. :)

    Jamie: Even women with poor arm strength such as myself can find the tools necessary to open a pesky jar. We keep you guys around for one simple reason – to reach things on the top shelf at the grocery store.

    Oh, and then there’s the penis. Those are good, too.

  21. Jamie says:

    So until such time as they create a six foot tall penis with the ability to grab things, we’re safe right..?

  22. Tara says:

    I notice Shane doesn’t have much to say about his 14 years of believing in Santa. Is there a chance that he’s still holding on?

    Boys are also good for lifting heavy things, keeping other boys from bothering us and sweating.

  23. Bridget says:

    Wow, that’s a thought… How would it get around? I’m imaginging this kind of horrifying shuffle…

    But to answer your question, Jamie, I have no use for a six foot tall penis. Unless it has it’s own more reasonably sized penis. This is real life, not hentai. Or a Beastie Boys concert circa 1986.

    Tara – Shane is under the weather and also working quite a bit. No worries, I’ll be busting his chops about it and demanding an answer. It’s… it’s what I _do_.

  24. Tara says:

    Yeah, I’m with Bridget on the giant phallus; a 6 foot dick is only good as a doorman/bouncer. And a penis that grabs stuff is nightmare-ish! I’m seeing that sand worm thing from “Tremors”…

    I’m sorry that Shane is feeling poorly. Something HORRIBLE is going around Portland and I’m using all the superstitions, Emergen-C and zinc I can to make sure I don’t get it and take it to Argentina.

    1. Shane says:

      Also, this is AWESOME:

      Tara: Yeah, I’m with Bridget on the giant phallus

  25. Shane says:



  26. Tara says:

    And we’ll sell you pictures for a very reasonable price. In Euros.

  27. Nessa says:

    um, I follow Santa on twitter so he has to be real!

    Kelley! Stalk me darling! i have a nice area out front for a tent ;)

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